Nina Cuellar-Barry
I'm a Parenting Expert and Writer. I create content in service to busy moms who want to create beautiful relationships with their kids
I've always been fascinated with the mother-child bond. When I had my own children I experienced firsthand the deep emotional ties that make the bond so loving - and conflict-ridden.
Returning to school in Early Childhood Special Education, when my children were in elementary school and middle school, gave me many tools that would have been helpful when my children were little. They worked so well with all children!
Even though my professional training was helpful in managing my students' behavior, it didn't give me all the insight I needed to really forge the loving bond I wanted to create with my own children. I wanted a relationship that respected my children and myself, and that would last our lifetimes.
Much later I discovered Quantum Human Design (TM), and I added its principles and insight to my relationship with my children. Our relationship became better and closer. I was able to accept who they were with more compassion and without feeling the need to try to change them or help them become 'better.'
As I shared Human Design principles with clients, they had the same experience, as well as greater peace in their homes as a result.
My Journey as a Parent
My children are grown now, but when they were little, I tried hard to be the best mom I could be. I took parenting classes and I read a mountain of books on child development and discipline. I was determined to do a better job of parenting than my mom had done (as I know she was determined to do when she became a mom).
A lot of the suggestions and techniques I learned from all these experts ‘worked’ beautifully for my first child when he was ‘misbehaving’ or when we had challenges.
I still struggled at times when he wouldn’t ‘cooperate,' but overall, I felt I was doing pretty well as a parent.
Then I had my second child, who was very different than my first.
MOST of the strategies I had used with my first did not ‘work’ with my second child.
She was a delightful child. But I couldn’t seem to motivate her to behave in the ways I thought were more appropriate than the ones she chose.
And school was another struggle! I tried very hard to ‘control’ her behavior, but she didn’t want to be controlled.
My First Shift as a Parent
When my children were in elementary and middle school, I earned my teaching license in Early Childhood Special Education.
I learned all about supports and strategies that were tailored to children who learned differently. Not all kids learn well from a teacher at the front of the room giving directions to the whole group!
In the classroom I used a variety of supports, including visual schedules, picture cues, teaching self-calming techniques, and whole-body learning strategies.
In my classroom and in community preschools where I consulted, I saw how well these functional tools helped all children learn skills and routines.
I was able to modify these tools for older children (like mine), and discovered how much easier it became to communicate and guide my children when I used more than verbal instructions.
My Next Shift as a Parent
Though my children were thriving, I still struggled with my relationship with them. We had so much conflict over things that didn’t even seem important!
I couldn’t understand why my daughter’s moods were such a strong influence on her.
Couldn’t she be more reasonable and put aside her feelings once in a while?
And my son was so loud and seemed mad when he couldn’t beat a level in his video game, or when anything was giving him trouble. His loud frustration made me feel anxious. I just wanted him to stop!
Why couldn’t he just calm down and take his time?
I loved them both with my whole heart, but I still felt that, in a lot of ways, I was failing as a mom – why wasn’t I able to reason with them?
I Still Didn't Have All the Answers
And I saw other parents struggling in similar ways.
In the classroom I helped young children with their
- behavior problems (hitting, biting, yelling)
- age appropriate skills
- learning to focus on what’s important (ADHD)
- learning in different ways (neurodiversity)
After being in my class for a time, their parents would tell me that their children were doing so much better at home. But they still struggled to understand why their children misbehaved, and why it was often so hard to motivate them to do better.
They felt like their children were a puzzle they just couldn't solve.
I felt inadequate when I could only say that they were young and things would get better as they grew up.
That didn’t feel very helpful.
A System That Did Help
When I was still teaching I began to search for the missing pieces that would help me understand the children I worked with – and my own children.
I studied the Enneagram, Energy Types (TM), Myers-Briggs...
All were interesting, but either they were more suited for adults, or they were difficult to apply in everyday situations with children. None were what I was looking for.
After I retired from teaching, I discovered Human Design.
The more I learned about it, the more convinced I became that it could help me better understand children’s personalities, motivations, and innate challenges and strengths. In fact, it helped me understand everyone better. Including myself.
The unique features of a person’s Human Design help explain who they are – and who they can become.
Your Human Design doesn’t define you. It helps you understand yourself, and what you’re here to do.
It helps you understand other people – including your children – in a kind, respectful, non-judgmental way.
Human Design is based on a combination of astrology, the Chinese I’Ching, the Hindu Chakra system, Jewish Kabbalah, and quantum physics. Your chart is generated from the time and place of your birth.
As I studied others through their Human Design...
I learned that when someone has Emotional Authority it means they'll experience and perceive everything through an emotional lens. Emotions arrive in waves, up and down, and can feel and look like being on a rollercoaster.
No wonder my daughter’s view of the world seemed to fluctuate from day to day. She has Emotional Authority.
And I learned that frustration is a hallmark of Generators. It can sometimes look like anger, but frustration is an integral part of the Generator learning process.
So it was perfectly natural for my son to get loudly frustrated when he was working on a skill – it was part of his learning process, and not something I needed to change.
I stopped taking it personally when my Generator son yelled in frustration, and when my daughter with Emotional Definition got upset over occurrences that didn’t seem important to me.
I understood that when my son got loudly frustrated, he was likely on the brink of making a leap in his skills. And when my daughter reacted in an emotional way to, well everything, it was just how she processed her experiences.
Human Design gave me the freedom to accept others (including my children) for who they are. It gave me the freedom to accept myself, and everyone for the beings we uniquely are.
Human Design was another piece of the puzzle of human personality that I’d been missing.
It hurts my heart to think about the many times I tried to change who my children were because I thought they needed to be fixed – and if I didn’t ‘fix’ them, I was a bad mom.
It's different now! I’m able to connect with my adult children better and I understand them in a different, more compassionate way. Our relationship has changed from my wanting to teach them how to do and be better (my way), to accepting that the ways they learn and grow are very different from mine.
Human Design is another of the missing elements to understanding children and guiding them in becoming the people they’re meant to be.
And... There Are More Missing Elements
For many reasons, I've come to believe that while Human Design can be a game changer in terms of understanding and working with your children, it isn't suited to all families or all situations.
Human Design is such a complex and sophisticated system that parents are often understandably overwhelmed by the amount of information available. It can feel as though unless you understand ALL of it, you won't understand ENOUGH of it to make the most difference in your relationship with your children.
This is NOT true. But learning a huge, new system is daunting to a parent who just wants to help their children with behavior issues or other challenges.
It Has to Be Easier
It must be easier for parents to understand their children and work with their unique energy than having to invest in study and consulting with experts in Human Design!
Parents are the experts on their children - they're with them all the time! They just need effective tools and guidance as to what strategies would work best for their particular child when that child is lacking skills or is facing a challenge.
I'm currently working on that system, that would be easy for parents to understand and use, and that wouldn't need constant instruction from 'experts' in changing their relationship with their children for the better.
As I uncover other missing elements to understanding your children...
As I craft an insightful, easier system for working with children...
I'll be sharing what I discover.
I hope you'll join me as I share all this here and on Substack.
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